It's been a hard September so far. My relationships with people have been weird, and it's hard to separate the complete assholes and the constant fuck-ups from the people who are well-meaning but perhaps just had an off day. Right now I'm kind of predisposed to categorize everyone as "ASSHOLE", but I know that isn't the case at all--there was one person who seems to have ruined it for everyone. I think I made the right call in cutting him out of my life. I think my whole short-lived experience with him has taught me that I don't have to take shit from people. So now I won't. There's one other person I can think of right now who is pretty much a nonstop hypocritical asshole to me, and if you talk to me on a semi-regular basis you should know exactly who it is. Whenever I mention her name, it's always to tell a story of how she insulted me, followed by, "Whyyyy am I still friends with her?" There are people for whom I'm constantly adding up past transgressions and trying to figure out what they mean in the context of our friendship. I've forgiven people for things I never would have done in a million years. Now I'm not sure if they deserve that forgiveness, or if I'm just being a doormat.

I feel like I have so few true friends. When I meet someone new, I'm like, "EEE Potential best friend forever!" I think I'm too quick to tell a new friend all my thoughts and frustrations. They simply don't care yet, so I end up scaring them off. That's something I'll need to work on.

Another reason why it's a hard September: my computer broke, I bought a new one, and I'm constantly agonizing over money. I hope I have enough money to get me through the semester. Another reason: my stupid immune system is constantly attacking my thyroid. This makes me exhausted, depressed, and apathetic. I have so much work to do, but I don't feel like doing any of it. I've been wasting so much time on OkCupid's QuickMatch...

...which brings me to another point. I'm depressed by all the people on it, how cookie-cutter most of them are (I commented on this on my OkC profile, and I'm hoping someone messages me about it). I'm depressed because lots of guys seem to objectify women, as if we're a commodity. I'm depressed by the people on there who I find unattractive and even repulsive, and I'm depressed by the fact that I feel that way about them.

I'm depressed by love stories. I hate how the main characters are destined to be together. When there are complicating factors, such as a third person, the main characters still always know they're meant for each other and they make the right choice. They're always attracted to each other--there's no unrequited love. As soon as they're together, everything is right in the world. I hate how real life is not like this, and I hate how I still wish real life was like that. Sometimes I forget that whichever guy I'm attracted to may not know I exist, let alone be attracted to me. I wish I could talk to attractive guys. I wish I were confident that they wouldn't roll their eyes or laugh at me behind my back.

I feel guilty that I have opportunities and money that others do not.

I'm nervous because I have nothing to say for my thesis. I have no clue where to start. My professor keeps telling me that I'm on the right track, but I'm not so sure. I need to research and read. If only I weren't so apathetic (see above).

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