It's been 5 weeks since I've spoken with Allie, and 3 since I've
spoken with Megan, Kirstin, and Angie. Time flies when you're
...alone and ...alone. Yeah. I just stopped initiating conversation
with them, and they've left me alone, so I guess I know where things
stand. In the past, it's felt like I've always been chasing them down
and nagging them to hang out with me. I don't like feeling like I'm
being annoying. It's also depressing as hell when they never do
anything with me because they're busy with other friends, or they say
they're busy with other friends because they don't want to hang out
with me. I'm sick of being upset over that. I've learned how to be
[mostly] alone, and it's working out alright for the most part. But
it's almost impossible for me to get out of bed in the morning, and
it's almost impossible to make myself do schoolwork, or study, or
practice piano, or go swimming. And it's so hard to go to class every
day with a fake smile plastered on my face, because no one likes it
when people are angst-y, and I don't want to alienate even more people
(although, really, at this point what does it matter?). So... yeah.
I can't wait until this summer when I can work 40 hours a week and
forget that everyone else on the planet exists, because it's hard as
hell to be at school and be constantly reminded of all the people who
aren't my friends anymore.