Today was an even worse day at work than yesterday, which I didn't think was possible. Everyone who came into contact with me today should count their lucky stars that I didn't kill them. But seriously, it was terrible. I have absolutely no energy left at all. I don't know how I'm going to make it through tomorrow, let alone the rest of the summer. Fuck.

I'm the only person at work who's underage. They all like going out to bars. Never restaurants, always bars. So I'm always left out. It's really starting to do a number on my self-esteem. I'm going through a huge period of self-loathing.

Today one kid puked, and another had a meltdown.

Jakob Dylan has always been and will forever be hot. Mega.

Stuff bores me now. Actually, lots of stuff has always bored me, but now I don't care about pretending to be interested. Conversations people have had, what people have done, so-called humorous anecdotes, I don't care about probably 90% of that crap. Also, I don't care if the stuff I talk about bores you. I bid ye lick me.

One of the campers is like a female Napoleon Dynamite. Kristin and I had that exact same thought at the exact same time, either because we rule or because we are going insane together. I vote for the latter.

It bugs me when people think that they are soooo special and that they should get a cookie for small things. Like, people who think they are the only ones who have to get up early. People who think they are the only ones who have to write papers for class. People who think that they are the only ones who put in a full day of work. Good rule of thumb: no matter how bad you have it, there are probably at least 350 other people in the state who have it worse than you.

Which Golden Girl Are You?

I meant to get a lot of rest before this week started, because camp will be absolutely hellish. We have 3 children who we've had before and so we know they're problematic, plus one with "developmental delays", whatever those are, plus diabetics and asthmatics and allergics, oh my! Ugh. Dear gods of historically-themed day camps: why do you hate me? Why? Anyway, I didn't get very much rest at all this weekend and so now I am a lethargic schmo, but I have to get up and go to work because I don't have the guts to just not show up. That'd be awesome, though.

I hung out with Talia today. Her town is different from my town. She has trees and a cool downtown area. We have...restaurants. And yuppie stores like The Gap and Eddie Bauer. Jealousy. But it was awesome. And I got the sheet music for Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 5 because I am in musical love with the second movement. Also we went to this awesome record shop (I wish we had record shops here) and I got a couple of Ted Leo & the Pharmacists albums. I was going to get Who's Next on vinyl, but I didn't. Does that make me a bad person? Enough about what I bought. Hanging out with Talia was cool. I am a little sad, however, that I did not get to see her family dynamic, because I bet it would be so awesome. Talia also burned me a few CDs, 2 with random Talia-weird-stuff and one of Shiina Ringo, who I am now hooked on thanks to her. Squee!

My parents and I went to Swedish Days in Geneva tonight. We were standing in line for a funnel cake or whatever, and the two most annoying people were standing in front of us. They were all PDA and shit, and acting like 7-year-olds, hitting each other with water bottles and giggling and bumping into people and basically having no respect for my sanity. Because I hate people like that. Anyway the girl was like, "I'm going to wait over there while you pay, baby," and so she did and the guy turned around and was all, "Sorry, she gets kind of hyper." But we just ignored him because my mom rules. It's like, if you acknowledge she's annoying to the point that you feel you have to apologize for it, then why don't you do anything about it? Why do you play along? People are idiots. It was funny cause girlfriend was like 8 inches taller than him. And they were both like hideous-looking, so it's cute that a pair of troglodytes found each other and are happy, or something. I just wish that I didn't have to witness it.

Going to see Talia tomorrow. GARLALHRLAUJALGHLGAHGILAHL! I'm excited. I am not excited for the traffic though. Leaving Chicago, going south? During rush hour? On Friday afternoon? I am not smart.

This one's for Talia:
I had a dream last night where Justin [not JGR for you NV folk] was my romantic interest. More than a little weird, let me tell you. Is he up for hanging around this weekend? Or is he in one of those stages where he's unavailable?

EDIT:
Talia says, "Honestly, I think Justin may be dead. Either that or he's avoiding me and several other people. Sometimes I want to punch that kid."
Okay, but the important thing: does he love me??

This is the best thing ever. He made a briefcase thingy from an old boombox. And? The best part? He hooked it up to his computer (which fits inside) so he can play music from his iPod or his iBook or whatever else he has inside. I so want to make this.

I really need a hug.

I saw my HS physics teacher at Borders today. It was pretty cool.

I can't imagine that today's going to be a very good day. I already feel really blah, and nothing's even happened yet. I just want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and sleep for two years.

Conversation that needs to be shared: (edited for clarity)
me: If Jesus had a dog, what kind do you think he'd have?
Andy: A mutt.
me: Ooooh, good answer. I was going to say golden retriever, cause those dogs are invariably nice and gentle. I think you won that round
Andy: Heh. What can I say?
me: What would Jesus name his dog?
Andy: Ooh tougher question. Judas.
me: I thought the same exact thing for a minute! I swear.
Andy: It's a solid answer if you ask me.
me: Then I changed my answer to "Trouble" cause then Jesus could say, "Here comes Trouble!" and all the disciples would chuckle.
Andy: ...to show that despite his treachery, he still loves him.
me: I had the exact same reason for Judas. Damn. Get outside my head.

I saw Rob today. It made me miss him 100x more than I already did. Wow.

I feel like I've been kicked in the throat.

So I guess Allie misses me or something? According to Rob. And this is what Talia had to say about it: "but...yeah. if she 'missed you' she totally could have like...you know. knocked on our FRICKING DOOR AND SAID "HI" since she LIVED NEXT TO US." I like the way Talia thinks. You should maybe think about not ignoring and/or scorning your friends if you think you'll maybe miss them later. This is a life lesson I have learned, and now I'm passing it onto you. Imagine me making hand gestures symbolizing generosity right now. From me, to you.

Talia and I had a conversation about fake HTML for casual use.

I think I have a cavity. Boo.

So for the past few days I've been hyper-aware of song lyrics, when normally I kind of hear them without actually listening to them. And it seems like every song lyric is relevent to my life and my situation, or else how I hope my life and my situation turn out. And it's starting to get a tad depressing. Sigh. Ohhh Weezer, ohhh Coldplay, ohhh Beatles. Damn you all.

It's not fun when a six-year-old girl straddles a six-year-old boy at camp.

Dream:
It was raining inside. I was in a basement. I was at the bottom of the stairs, and Steve was at the top of the stairs, and he was peeing on me and laughing.
     How's that for symbolism?

These past few days have really been emotion-heavy for me. It's been hard figuring out what I should do to make things right. Actually, that part hasn't been hard; the hard part was actually going through and trying to make things right, and then sitting on the edge of my seat and not knowing how things would turn out. I feel so wiped out. I don't know how I'll make it through the rest of the summer. ~77 days until school starts up again. I hope this year goes better than last year. I kind of have that choking feeling at the back of my throat and I want to vomit. And then it would represent all the shit that happened last year, and I could start again with an empty stomach. I feel sick.

To expound upon one of my previous posts:
If I could go back to a year ago, and know then what I know now, I would have done things differently. I wouldn't have taken myself out of a situation where I had a good life, and I wouldn't have put myself into a situation where I was mostly unhappy, got bad grades, and spent a ton of money. I really wish I could go back to a year ago and get a second chance. I wouldn't have made such a stupid decision. But I made amends (or at least made an attempt at amends), and all I can do at this point is just look to the future.

Time to move on.

I made a huge mistake a year ago.

Dream:
     My brother, sister, and I were home alone. I had gotten a phone message from my mom saying not to give out our library card numbers to a company called Dowager, cause they were a fake company and giving out your library card number would result in identity theft. Right after that message from my mom was a message from Dowager, wanting my library card info. The message was from a lady who was a real bitch. I started to get creeped out a bit.
     Then, there was a knock at the back door. The blinds are broken on that door, so you can pretty much see into the kitchen, front hallway, and some of the family room. There was a man who was about 6'6". I ran to the farthest part of the family room, where I thought he couldn't see me, and crouched into a little ball underneath an afghan. He kept knocking. Then he walked around to the side of the house, near the tall windows that I was laying near. I figured that they were too high up for him, but he grew to over 8' tall. He looked in those and saw me. I froze and pretended to be sleeping. He kept tapping on them and I closed my eyes tighter and tried to ignore him.
     Just then, I could kind of see in my head what was happening even though my eyes were closed. It was the kind of cinema technique where there's a freeze frame but you don't see the entire image at first, and then they pan over so you can kind of see the punchline, all while the image itself is static. In this case, I saw a grainy picture of myself curled up, and then it panned over to reveal that the man had quietly removed the glass in the tall window and was reaching in to get me. His hands were inches away. Then I opened my eyes and he seized me and held me up to lift me through the window, and I screamed. About 50 feet behind the man was a hobo, and I shrieked like crazy and asked him to do something. He pulled out a gun and shot the man. I thanked him profusely and said I would do anything. He told me he just wanted a meal and a new winter coat.
     So I made the guy some quesadillas and stuff, and the police came to find out what happened, and I made them some too, and all the neighbors who had been gawking came over and demanded food. My sister kept making more and more food. All I wanted to do was call my mom, who was at work, but I was too busy watching over the uninvited guests. These two little girls had each taken like five quesadillas but had only eaten a few bites, and they were ready to throw them away. They came into the house and I told them to throw them on the garbage. They started to scrape them onto the floor and I was like, "Does that look like the fucking garbage? Do you do that kind of fucking shit at home?" I looked at their mother and said, "Do these fucking monsters not know what a garbage is? Do you allow this type of fucking disgusting activity at home? I was nearly kidnapped and raped, and I'm very shaken up, so I can use words like this." The little girls were now putting all their chewed bubble gum on the floor. I asked the lady, "Who the fuck are you, anyway?" And she was all indignant, and replied, "Vonda," like I was such a moron for not knowing. And I was like, "And who the fuck is Vonda?!" And then she started to sing lyrics from pop songs, like she was being all prophetic. I told her to get the fuck out of my house. She stopped singing, walked over and looked at my prom photo, and said with a tear in her eye, "I always did like black prom dresses." I replied with a sneer, "Mine was navy blue," and slammed the door as she left.

Ok so, Michel Gondry? Latest celebrity crush. So I was reading about him, and he was responsible for that hideous Levi's commercial with the singing bellybuttons. Wow. That's...rough. But he's done so much other amazing stuff that I have to forgive him. I have to.

Dream:
     For my brother's birthday, my dad got him 4 mini notebooks, two wooden blocks that were shaped like teddy bears (one had written on it "Ted" and the other had "Get Real" and it was supposed to be Madonna), and the Half-Life 2 computer game. I felt sorry for my brother cause it was a shitty last-minute gift.
     Ellen Degeneres had a show like Chappelle Show, and I got tickets to be in the audience. It wasn't funny at all; it was actually rather pathetic, and I was really disappointed.
     Angie signed on a screenname that was "Songs that ange couldn't steal" and her away message said something like, "Friends? nah... Religion? nah... Downloading music--that's what really matters!" And I IMed her and was all snarky about how she was stealing music.

Dream:
     I moved into a dorm room with 3 other girls. We only had 2 beds but we thought that it would be okay somehow. All I knew was that I claimed the top bunk and I wasn't sharing no bed with no one. Then I had to escort some bitchy old people to Assembly Hall, and they kept bitching at me that we were going to be late or something, and I was like, "You know, people have been lining up for hours, but nooooo you didn't want to do that, and plus you guys walk hella slow." It was awesome. And then I saw Rob and his grandpa at Assembly Hall and Rob had awesome orange and blue Elton John glasses, which definitely is a remnant of the Senior Spectacular pic [to be posted soon]. Haha.

Andy said: kerry! do you get sci-fi?
...If only more of my conversations could start out like that. So enthusiastic about science fiction. We all are!

My mom told me this morning that I had nice abs. I think she's insane. I told her it just seems that way because I suck my stomach in all day whenever I wear a tight shirt. You can't see my abs at all through my stomach.

I just. don't. understand. Why do people never call me back? Why do I suck so much? Please tell me so I can change it. I hate this being-ignored thing.

I am so fucking amazing and here's why:
I got bored with just knitting scarves and I wanted to do a sweater. But none of the easy sweater patterns I saw appealed to me. So what did I do? I decided to make up my own pattern. Hell yes! I drew it out and then made measurements, and then started to knit, and then ripped it out, and did like trigonometry that I haven't had to use in a long time, and then knit a dummy sleeve out of scrap yarn, and then learned about short row shaping, and then learned about picking up stitches on a vertical edge. All of that took me 6 hours. I'm going to start on my actual sweater tomorrow. I expect that it'll get done in about a week.

I'm knitting my first sweater...from a pattern I created.

< Kevin Spacey >
I rule!
< /KS >

Wow. I call people, and they never call me back. Multiple people. This sucks. Why do my supposed friends hate me so much? This is really depressing. I'm becoming a hermit. And a curmudgeon.

104.3 WJMK changed hands. It's now Jack FM instead of Oldies. They play 70s, 80s, and 90s. Cause, you know, we don't have eight hundred stations in the Chicago area that play those. Damn. Oldies 104.3 is the station we always listened to when I was a kid. This is upsetting. I just left some feedback on their site on how disappointed I am with the change.

I e-mailed Nora today and it was awesome. I miss her. She'll be home in like a week. Whoo!

The DNA scarf is coming along, and by coming along I mean that I've done like 35 rows, heh. This thing needs to be blocked like a motherfucker, so it's a good thing I did it in wool and not something stupid like Red Heart. Haha Red Heart. I kill myself.

I'm sick of work. I want to re-learn how to sew, and I want to get better at knitting, and I want to learn how to silkscreen. Too bad I'm a slave to the almighty dollar.

I want long hair.

Dream:
     I was Talia's accompanist. She did the Rococo Variations for a solo contest. The judges loved it so much, they asked for an encore. She whispered to me, "Let's do Dance of the Elves!" But I didn't know that one, so I had to make it up as we went. I don't think the judges noticed, because they then asked us to play for a special concert.
     This is the second dream about performance anxiety that I've had in a week. I don't understand why.

FUCK FUCK FUCK. Several (like 25) stitches on my Team Zissou hat slipped off the needles. I hope I can save them all. If I have to start over again, I'll cry. There's no way I'm doing K2P2 ribbing on DPNs for a third time.

UPDATE: I was able to pick them all back up. Whew.

Yesterday Talia told me that they revealed the identity of Deep Throat. My first thought was The X-Files. I'll let that speak for itself.