Cramps like hell. Pain medication does nothing. Birth control is apparently doing nothing. I don't want to do anything but curl up in a ball and sleep for 12 hours, but I have to make myself go on.

So in addition to all the other crap I've had to put up with in the past few days, my mom bitched at me because I happened to call her while she was in heavy traffic and she decided to pick up the phone, and I found out that I've grown up too fast, I'm too neurotic, and I'm going to miss not having a childhood. Awesome. Keep piling it on; I think we have enough room for a little more self-loathing.

I got three hours of sleep last night. Not for lack of trying, though. I was in bed by 12:30, but I couldn't fall asleep 'til 4. Blah.

It occurred to me last night that I'd be a prime candidate for one of those women who stays with an abusive partner because "He's not really that bad." Actually, that was pretty much how I was in my last relationship. It wasn't physically abusive, but it was somewhat psychologically abusive (for reasons I'd rather not enumerate). I'm definitely not as secure anymore, and I now have a predilection to believe that everything that goes wrong is my fault. I'm glad I got out. But I see this behavior with friends now--they treat me poorly, but I keep going back because it's my fault, I'm oversensitive and making something out of nothing. Besides, they have a reason to do what they do to me, and it must be the result of something I've done wrong, right? Blah. Now to pick up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem. ...Ooh, how emo was that?

People suck. Talia and I are going to start our own country where people don't suck, and in order to become a citizen you'll have to pass a personality test and a comprehensive "what would you do in this situation" test like employers often give prospective employees at crappy retail places. The test will be readministered every two years, just to make sure the citizens are holding up to the standard of nonsuckitude.

It was a busier weekend than most--I made two people mad at me. Awesome. Let's alienate some more people, Kerry. Okay, sounds good. Let's go.

This week will be hellish in terms of what I have to do, but I don't want to be one of those people who constantly whines about how much she has to do. In my experience, things like that always look worse on paper, and they're not really so bad in real life. Especially if you detach yourself from the entire process. Also, I don't expect to do anything besides work and sleep, so it's not like I'm missing out on anything. So right now I'm going to do some work, and then I'm going to sleep. And then I'll wake up and do more week, and then sleep. Repeat until spring break, when I do work for preparation for summer camp, and subject myself to more doctor's appointments. Work, sleep, be poked and prodded. What a glorious existence.

Dream:
I went to a pet store and bought a few pets: a guinea pig the size of a small (~10 lb) dog that I named "Honey", and some fish. I accidentally put one of the fish in freshwater, instead of saltwater. He was in the same container as a bar of soap. I just happened to look towards the container, and I saw a black spot about the size of a quarter on the soap. I was too scared to look at it, so I made Talia look at it. She confirmed that it was a fish. I felt really sick and upset with myself--how could I have killed a living thing??